And How to Break the Pattern..
The unconscious patterns that drive our relationship choices, and the mindful steps to breaking free from the cycle.
We've all been there – sitting across from someone who seems perfect on paper, yet something feels oddly familiar. Not the good kind of familiar, but the kind that makes your stomach twist because deep down, you know where this story ends.
It took me years of coaching others through their relationship patterns to recognize my own. The truth is, we don't choose partners randomly. Our choices are deeply rooted in our earliest experiences of love, even when those experiences were painful.
Understanding the Cycle
Let's dive deeper into those patterns I mentioned:
1. Your 'Type' Isn't a Preference – It's a Program
Think about it – why do we keep attracting the same kind of person, even when we consciously want something different? It's because our "type" isn't just about physical preferences or shared interests. It's a complex program written by our early experiences, family dynamics, and unresolved wounds.
When a client tells me, "I keep dating people who can't commit," my first question isn't about their current relationship – it's about their earliest experience with love and security. Often, we're unconsciously recreating familiar emotional landscapes, even if they're painful ones.
2. The Comfort of Familiarity Often Masquerades as Chemistry
That spark, that instant connection we feel? Sometimes it's less about genuine compatibility and more about recognition. Our nervous system lights up when it encounters familiar emotional patterns – even destructive ones. This is why the "wrong" person can feel so right at first.
The butterflies in your stomach might actually be anxiety. The intensity might be trauma bonding. The "perfect fit" might be your subconscious recognizing an old wound dressed in new clothes.
3. What Feels Like Love Might Actually Be Recognition
When we're drawn to someone, we often mistake recognition for connection. We confuse the familiarity of old patterns with genuine compatibility. It's like reading the same book over and over, hoping for a different ending.
Breaking Free: The Path to Conscious Choices
Now that we understand why we make these choices, let's explore how to create new, healthier patterns:
1. Identify Your Unconscious Patterns
Start by asking yourself:
- What feels "normal" in relationships that might actually be unhealthy?
- What did love look like in your childhood home?
- What patterns keep repeating in your relationships?
- What feels uncomfortable about healthy relationships?
2. Understanding Your Attractions
Take time to analyze your past relationships:
- What initially attracted you?
- What red flags did you ignore?
- What felt familiar about the dynamic?
- What needs were you trying to meet?
3. Creating New Templates for Love
This is where the real work begins:
- Challenge your definition of "chemistry"
- Pay attention to actions over feelings
- Notice what feels boring versus what feels exciting
- Practice sitting with the discomfort of healthy patterns
The Power of Conscious Choice
Breaking these patterns isn't about finding the "right" person – it's about becoming the right person for yourself first. This means:
- Developing Self-Awareness
- Journal about your patterns
- Notice your emotional triggers
- Recognize your role in relationship dynamics
- Setting Healthy Boundaries
- Learn to say no early
- Trust your intuition
- Value peace over intensity
- Practicing New Behaviors
- Allow relationships to develop slowly
- Choose stability over drama
- Value emotional availability
When the Pattern Breaks
The most beautiful part of breaking these patterns is what comes after. When you start choosing differently, you begin to:
- Feel more at peace in relationships
- Trust yourself more deeply
- Attract partners who are emotionally available
- Create connections based on genuine compatibility
- Build relationships that support growth
Moving Forward
Remember, breaking these patterns isn't about blaming yourself or your past. It's about recognizing that you have the power to choose differently now. Every relationship, even the "wrong" ones, has brought you closer to understanding what you truly need and deserve.
A Final Note
As you begin this journey of conscious choosing, be patient with yourself. Change doesn't happen overnight, but every small step toward awareness is a step toward the love you deserve. Your patterns may have been written by your past, but your future relationships can be authored by your conscious, healing self.
If this resonates with you, follow for more insights on relationships, self-discovery, and personal growth. Sometimes understanding why we choose is the first step to choosing differently.